The Time I Dumped My Soulmate

It was August. It was pouring out. It was unseasonably cold. It was a Tuesday. That’s when I ended my going-on-three-years relationship with the love of my life.

My boyfriend that I met freshmen year of college. The boyfriend that I dumped my high school sweetheart for. The boyfriend that everyone was envious of. The one who helped me through every problem I had. The one who took me on dates and bought me little presents for no reason. The one that I couldn’t go one night without.

So why did I end our seemingly perfect relationship? The exact reasons I loved him so much…he was my rock. The one I leaned on and cried to. The one I completely forgot my independence for.

It took me a long time but I eventually saw the light. You can’t be with someone because you need them. You have to be with a person when you WANT them, but only NEED yourself.

This was not the case with me. I couldn’t complete simple tasks without him by my side. And of course I wanted him there; there was no point where he was oppressing me or telling me I couldn’t do something. It’s just I chose to rely on him for everything.

As a 21-year-old woman, I decided I needed time to figure out what exactly I wanted from life without another person to consider. I needed to prove to myself that I CAN be alone and be okay. That I AM strong and independent. That I don’t need another person to help define me.

Even though it’s an ending of a beautiful and loving chapter of my life, I still feel like it may not be the end. Timing is everything and sometimes not everything can work out like a fairy tale. But the thing about life is you never know what could happen. It’s not over until it’s over.

Restless Heart Syndrome

Imagine you’re a single girl. Early twenties, still in college with a serious case of restless heart syndrome. The thought of settling for anything right now makes you want to vomit.

But you love meeting new people, trying new things, experiencing different cultures. You love establishing relationships with people. Not the “omg we’re facebook official” kind of relationship but the kind where you get to know another person on a level that’s unique and special to both of you.

Now imagine opportunities arise to casually date a couple people. They like you, you like them.

But most importantly, you’re 100% honest with all of these people. You give them the preliminary speech: “I really like you and I enjoy your company but I’m not trying to get into any sort of commitment at this point in my life or anytime in the near future. I’m also seeing other people other than you”.

Are you still imagining all of this?

These people understand and things continue on. You party with them,  you meet their friends, you hook up sometimes, you have deep talks, and experience their lifestyle. They teach you about life and you teach them about life.

Now imagine that one day, none of them are okay with this causal relationship anymore. They get uncomfortable because you don’t want to belong to them. You don’t want to be their girlfriend and commit fully to them. You don’t want to only think about them and hang out with them and check in with them. You’re not going to do that and they’re too attached. So whatever relationship you had with them, it’s now ended.

Now if you were really imagining this, how do you feel about it? Because this happened to me a few day ago and I still don’t know how I feel about it. On the one hand, I commend them for being honest with me. But what did they think would happen? I would just change my mind about my whole lifestyle and commit myself to them?

So my question is, does casual dating ever work? Because my experiences with it just haven’t ended well. Can’t we get to know other people and have fun with total freedom? Why does old fashioned commitment need to get in the way of exploration?

Forward Progress

As a female in this society, I believe it takes many experiences to figure out the way girls are portrayed isn’t necessarily respectable. For me, I’m only realizing it now. When I first got to college, I fell right into the set of standards laid out for college girls. It took so many bad experiences and so many injustices witnessed and so many stereotypes fulfilled to realize how fucked up it was that I was falling right into the script written for me.

Now I’ve come to terms with the fact that we deserve better. And, trust me, a lot of bad shit happened to me before I realized our society was to blame. How we raise boys to treat girls, and how we raise girls to be submissive to it. Nothing extreme ever happened. But regardless. I can tell some stories that will piss you off just like they pissed me off when they happened.

I was constantly being pulled back and forth when I first started thinking about gender inequality. I would fall back into expectations. Push forward into what I felt was better. To and fro. Back and forth. Until I finally realized why I felt disgusting every time I would get honked at walking down the street.  Or every time a boy would tell me I look like a sexy librarian when I wear my glasses. Or every time I was told that a boy was only talking to me because he wanted to have sex with me. I’m still learning. But I’m further now than I ever have been.

Bisexuals Are NOT Confused

I’m with a group of peers; college students. I make a comment without thinking that reveals my fascination for girls. “YOU’RE BI?!” a boy shouts at me with a mix of awe, and incredulity, his eyes wide; staring. This occurrence is so common in my life I know the scene by heart.  My friends will laugh as I roll my eyes. They’ve seen this all before.

Switching to a much more traumatizing scene: I’m sitting at my kitchen table. It’s summer time and I’m asking my mom if she thinks my extended family would accept one of us if we were gay. She responds with yes. But when I ask her about the comments made recently by family members who were putting down bisexuals, her mood changed. “You’re either one or the other, it’s going to come out one day. Gay or straight, there’s no in between.” By the time she is done with her rant, tears are streaming down my face and my brother is staring at her, begging her to stop with his pleading eyes.

As an open bisexual female who considers sexuality to be one of the biggest aspects of my life, I have a lot to say about bisexuality and how it’s perceived by society. No, we aren’t confused, we aren’t greedy, we don’t want to have sex with everyone, and we aren’t all interested in threesomes and orgies. If you don’t feel a certain way about something, it doesn’t mean that feeling doesn’t exist. Practice acceptance.

A New World

This is a follow up about the last re-blogged post from Preppy Panda “Why I Wasn’t Afraid of Getting Sexually Assaulted in College”. This is a very powerful post that speaks in many ways to the feminist movement for gender equality. While our fellow blogger is correct that actions such as dressing conservatively, refraining from drinking, and avoiding parties will make it less likely for someone to sexually assault you, this to me is shunning life. This could be seen as a guide as to how to live life with extreme caution and avoid putting yourself in situations where bad things could happen to you. But this theory would also require us to avoid cars, bad weather, stoves, and countless other potentially dangerous things. Essentially rejecting living life.

These examples to me are equivalent to the examples that Preppy Panda gives about why she was not afraid of sexual assault. Now I understand that not everyone does want to go out and party and hook up casually and drink but the point I’m trying to make here is that as women, we shouldn’t have to take those precautions whether we want to or not. We need to be able to live the way we want to and not fear others’ actions.

This is a world I would be proud to live in and be a part of. College right now just isn’t a place where this world exists. But we need to work together to make this world a reality for all of us. Where we can do what we want and not have to worry about sick people who don’t understand that me dancing at a party does not in fact mean I want to you to hit on me and attempt to have sex with me.

Love and Sex vs. Love or Sex

Love and sex. Do they go hand in hand? Is sex better when you’re in love with the other person? Is it different? For many people this answer is yes but for others it’s no. Should you ever have a relationship with someone just for sex? Can friends with benefits actually work out? My friends and I have these conversations a lot. Being young women in college, the culture of casual sex surrounds us.

But even being as close as we are, my friends and I don’t always agree on the answers to these questions. One of my good friends “has a thing” (you know what I mean) with this other friend of ours. She feels bad that she’s not in love with him. she always says he’s really nice and sweet and there’s nothing wrong with him but the only reason she’s with him is for sex. He knows she doesn’t want a relationship and neither does he. Is that OK? She doesn’t think so. I do.

Why the hell not hang out with a nice kid that you love having sex with? It may not be the relationship that society tells you you should be having, that “we love each other so much and make love every night” sort of relationship. But it’s a relationship nonetheless. And at this age, we have no idea what we want from our partners, sexually or otherwise. The only way to discover what we want and what we don’t want is through experiences. This is the time for experimenting and learning about ourselves. Love everything about your life, and do whatever makes you happy, regardless of what others think or what society tells you.

Are you a Slut?

Imagine you’re a young women, college age, maybe a bit older. You’re at a party and talking to a boy, someone you’ve known for a while. He’s attractive and charming and you know he has a thing for you. Meanwhile, you’re single, and well…you know what you’re thinking. You’re weighing your options. The way you see it, you can either hook up with this kid, or not.

But is it really that simple? Most will answer no. Some will answer yes and I envy them. Social stigmas don’t matter to them and they will do what they want. I think we all need to get to this place where we do what we want without judgement of ourselves or others.

But at this party, talking to this attractive charming boy, you’re thinking, what will happen? If I have sex with him, will people think I’m a slut? Will my roommates exchange knowing looks and off-hand remarks when I tell them I’m not coming back tonight? People at this party that know a tiny bit about my life, will they start rumors?

A boy in this situation never deals with any of these worries. If they’re sexually active with different people, they’re approved of by their peers, not shamed. We all know that double standard is alive and well in today’s society.

BUT IT SHOULDN’T BE! We’re all working toward gender equality right? So why judge a girl for having multiple sexual partners and not a boy? We’re all equals! We shouldn’t be putting each other down for our own personal choices. Most of the time we have no idea what is happening in these people’s lives or how these people are feeling. Let them do what they want because frankly its none of our business. I realize this is very ’67 summer of love philosophy and I’m definitely not saying we all need to have sex with a bunch of people because I know that does not work for everyone. The main goal here is to make whatever decisions we see fit and not be judged for them.

So, when you see a girl at a party flirting with a guy, do me a favor, remind yourself that we all need to do things that make us happy. If this situation makes that girl happy, why put her down for that?